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  • Writer's pictureKelsey Wonsavage

In Too Deep

Maybe I'm just a 90's kid, but Sum 41's song 'In too Deep' is the update right now:

"The faster we're fallen, we're stopping and stalling, we're running in circles again. Just as things were looking up, you said it wasn't good enough, but still we're trying one more time..."

June was good, we got some momentum and things were moving forward at a positive trajectory. We had a City Council meeting at Grass Lake and my building got approved for a tax abatement for the remodel, which is amazing. I got my finalized stamped and sealed architect drawings, and I had a few leads out to a couple banks for the final 26% of the funding I need.

Wednesday's seem to be the day to receive news. Something happened that I can't go public about (yet- everything is fine now but it was very scary for the moment), and I also got a few rejections from the banks. I get compliments every time on my business plan, proforma's, and my resume, and I never get my hopes up: I know better. But hot damn people, no need for professional gaslighting.

Due to the industry being a restaurant, along with a start-up, these are two massive strikes against my project. Regardless of the fact that my numbers all make sense and look good to their eyes, and the project is 74% funded..... I need that other part for construction and its proving to be an extreme challenge.

Naturally thoughts are circling my head: "is this even meant to be? Is this a sign to stop and quit? Do I go harder?". It's a true cocktail of emotions, and with it being summer I am already seasonally depressed (normal people get to enjoy, restaurant workers work all days and nights and weekends, its hard watching everyone around you have fun when you're trapped indoors for 10 hours at prime times). So truly, I'm outside now drinking coffee, exhausted from working this weekend, a bit frozen. Not sure how to proceed. I have a list of 9 more banks to call. I made the decision to cancel the market for this week too. I can't do it, mentally or physically. My colleague at work is also out of town for 2 weeks, so I physically don't have time to bake when I work 50+ hours Tuesday-Saturday this week until he returns.

I ponder taking a demotion to 4 day work week, only 40 hours (a normal schedule). But I can't afford it. I ponder doing the market full time and figuring out my space, but I have bills to pay and other responsibilities. I question selling my house and taking that money for construction, but thats bad business on several levels. I am thinking a lot right now. Im very grateful for my support system, and I have several phone calls and emails ahead of me, wine and tears. That's my update: not always pretty, but its raw and true.

I also have a photoshoot coming up next Tuesday too for my website. I haven't even thought of outfits, food, or make-up yet. Wish me luck!

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